


sometimes change is good

by adronitiiss



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, High School, Internalized Homophobia, Jealous Richie Tozier, M/M, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Some Swearing, promise that richie and eddie end up together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 10:55:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adronitiiss/pseuds/adronitiiss
Summary: “I know he likes Bill.”“Bill?”“Yeah, I know that Eddie likes Bill and I’m sorry, but it makes me sick, really. I don’t want it to, but it does. The idea of Eddie and Bill, together in that way, it makes me sick.”alternatively: Richie is oblivious and has an overactive imagination.





	sometimes change is good

It had been a few years, Richie was older now. That summer felt clouded over in his memory. That summer all melted together in a heavy soup weighing on his mind. It became hard to distinguish between reality and imagination. The nightmares he had were painfully vivid. But he had no explanation for them.

The only memory that remained was that of his friends. The seven of them. They were connected now. Richie could not place how he had found all of them. But he was painfully grateful that they were there. They were there for him as he was for them. It felt like they were anchored together, permanently.

Things had changed not for the worse, per se, but change had come. Soon they would all graduate, going their separate ways. Richie had faith that they would come back to each other, though. It felt inevitable.

The change that came could have been attributed to many things. They were all a little taller, even though Eddie still lagged in that respect. They were all a little more mature. But the most dramatic change was how they all felt.

The childhood crush that existed between Ben and Beverly was heightened now. None of the other boys, namely Bill, seemed to hold the auburn-haired girl in that regard anymore. The blossoming relationship only strengthened the bond between the seven. The other’s admired the love the couple shared, usually shown in jokes and teasing. The remaining five had yet to find romance in that way. They happily floated through the school years, fully aware that the chance of finding it was unlikely. After all, they were losers.

That was what made Ben and Beverly so special. The two losers had found one another. Richie envied it.

He never voiced it. His envy was his own to handle. He knew that if he ever told the other’s they would only be skeptical of him. They would say he was jealous of Ben and that he felt for Beverly.

But Richie’s childhood fixation on the redhead had passed as quickly as it came. Richie recognized those old feelings as more of an admiration for the girl. He could never pinpoint a true crush on anyone really. Richie’s focus was always devoted to his friends, he never felt the need to search elsewhere. He found all the love he needed in his friends.

That was who he could be found with, almost always. As was the case on the first day of summer before junior year.

The seven of them were currently piled into a truck. The red paint of the vehicle was peeling, Mike had saved up for it the summer before the sophomore year began. It was the only car that could fit all seven of them, three sat in the front seats and the remaining four in the truck bed.

Currently Mike sat at the steering wheel with Eddie squished in the middle seat and Richie beside him. If Richie was honest he would have preferred to be in the back. He would have liked to feel the wind blow through his hair, especially on a day as hot as this. But Eddie hated it. He always preached on about how dangerous and illegal it was. So, Richie felt an obligation to sit, in front, with the shorter boy.

Richie used the back of his sleeve to wipe the sweat off his brow.

“Richie, can you please scoot over!”

Richie looked down at the boy beside him, who had his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. “Come on, Eds, there’s only so much room. Besides I bet ya love being up against all this,” Richie waved his hands wildly, motioning to himself.

“In your dreams.”

“You got that right, Eds. Definitely keeps me up at night.”

Eddie let out an exaggerated, “ew!” Richie recognized the way Eddie’s voice rose in pitch as he spoke. It would have grated anyone else’s ears. But it only brought a wider smile to Richie’s lips. Richie knew how to push Eddie’s buttons and he was very proud of himself for it.

Before Richie could pester his friend anymore the truck slowed to a stop. Richie looked out the window realizing they had arrived at Bill’s.

The group was planning on spending the first night of summer break together. Some of their parents took more convincing than others but it was a special occasion. This was the first day in quite some time where they had no schoolwork or adolescent drama to fuss over. This night was their own, meant to be spent as they pleased.

…

The group spent the first hour or so laying in a circle on the floor of Bill’s room making light talk about their summer plans.

“I hope we all stay in touch. When we graduate next year, I mean,” Stan’s voice shook with an unanticipated emotion.

Richie looked over at him, the two had been friends the longest. They knew one another since childhood. “Stan the man, didn’t know you’d miss me so much.”

Richie wiped an imaginary tear from his cheek.

“Can’t you be serious for two seconds, Richie?”

Richie’s face softened. But he kept his mouth closed.

The conversation ended there, shifting to milder topics. Mike mentioned a new movie premiering at the local theatre. The group agreed to see it eventually. As the discussion lingered on, the Losers broke into smaller conversations. Richie looked at Eddie who was currently sat beside him, their shoulders bumping. But the boy’s head was turned to Bill. Richie did not really pay mind to what it was they were talking about, instead, Richie watched them.

Suddenly Eddie’s head whipped around, inches from Richie’s own. Neither of them moved away. “You wanna come, Richie?”

“Huh?”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Me and Bill were just gonna get snacks from the kitchen,” he paused as if to examine Richie’s features, “you okay, Richie? You seem a little distracted.”

“Oh! Sorry was thinking about how I was banging your mom last night, Spaghetti.”

The group groaned at the all too familiar joke. Eddie whined in disgust, the same way he always did. The other’s looked a little tired of it all.

“Can you two not be at each other’s necks, just this once?” Ben’s voice sounded agitated.

Beverly laughed suddenly, “yeah just go make out or something. Relieve all of that tension.”

Eddie’s face flushed, as did Richie’s but no one really noticed, or if they notice no one mentioned it.

“Sounds good to me! Wanna watch, Bevvy?” Richie wiggled his eyebrows.

Richie suddenly felt the smaller boy’s hands pushing at him. But he just kept laughing.

…

It was hours later when everyone started to get ready for bed. But Beverly and Richie found themselves leaned up against a tree in Bill’s yard, passing a cigarette between themselves. Richie loved the relationship he had with the girl, the two were confidants. Of course, Richie trusted the others. But Beverly was so easy to talk to. She never judged Richie, jokingly or otherwise.

“I wasn’t kidding earlier y’know?”

“When?”

“’Bout you and Eddie. I see it. The two of you.”

Richie sputtered. Whatever she was talking about was completely lost on him. “’M not a queer.”

The girl laughed, “Could’a fooled me.” She shrugged her shoulders a little too dramatically.

Richie joined in on the laughter, “Oh fuck you, Bevvy.”

The two continued smoking in silence. All the other’s thought the habit was gross. Eddie and Stan were the most vocal of the group. Stan always complained of the tobacco smell. Eddie constantly pointed out how addictive and unhealthy it was. Ben never seemed to vocalize his complaints. He certainly did not complain when Beverly would place a kiss to his lips after taking a drag off a cigarette. He always cringed a little after, but never complained.

Beverly took one last puff from the cigarette before crushing it under her heel. “I would be fine with it. You being queer, I mean.”

Richie looked at the girl finding no jest in her features. “Well, you don’t have to worry about it. ‘Cause I’m not.”

Beverly face fell, looking a little tired. She looked away. “My first kiss. It was a girl. Did you know that?”

“Oh, Bevvy, wish I could have watched!”

“Fuck you, Rich,” the tone of her voice was joking, though.

The two walked back into the house in sync, leaning against each other as they stepped. Richie walked in the house with an arm around Beverly. The others, who were currently in the living room, greeted them happily. Richie truly did love all the Losers. They way they were always so tactile and affectionate with one another was something that Richie felt like he needed, yearned for.

Beverly left his grasp, rushing over to her boyfriend who was sitting on a recliner in the far corner of the room. She pinched his cheeks and climbed on to his lap. Richie could not help but to stop and admire the two. He watched the way the boy’s hands gripped on to the girl’s side, pulling her in almost impossibly closer. The love the pair shared was so innocent and darling, Richie had never felt that before. The love he felt for the others was loud and palpable. It was not that Richie did not seek out a tender love like theirs, it just never came.

Richie thought back on Beverly’s earlier words, ‘I see it. You two,’ as he surveyed the room. Richie could not help but chuckle at the thought of it. He looked at the boy in question, Eddie, who was currently sitting on the couch with his legs stretched out. Thankfully, Eddie was short, his legs only took up so much room. Bill was sitting on the other side of the couch. The two were seemingly deep in conversation.

“You good, Richie?” Stan’s voice suddenly broke through Richie’s thoughts.

The boy felt all the eyes in the room suddenly fall on him, where he was presently standing in the doorway. Richie simply hummed an affirmative before crossing the room. He awkwardly plopped down in the middle of the couch, narrowly avoiding sitting on Eddie’s legs. Eddie, unsurprisingly, squawked in retaliation. But Richie just smiled at the boy, egging him on.

Richie felt Beverly’s eyes boring into him. When he looked over she had a knowing smirk on her face. Richie did not understand it, the way her eyes flittered between Eddie and him. She was almost daring Richie to do something, and he did not like that.

A sudden awkward feeling fell in the room. Richie was sat with Eddie and Bill on his sides and neither were speaking, their eyes seemed to be doing most of the talking. Bill looked aggravated. Eddie looked weary.

“So, Eds, got any summer plans?” Richie was trying to ease the tension.

Eddie looked at Richie for the first time since he sat down. “Just banging your sister, Trashmouth.”

Richie grinned, before pulling the other’s boys legs up so they were laying across his lap. “Eds gets off a good one!”

Richie heard him grumble a complaint under his breath. But the two easily fell into conversation. Richie always thrived on the conversations they had. It was so easy to talk to Eddie, he was always willing to return Richie’s playful tone. Richie’s favorite thing about the boy was how he was quick to fluster.

…

Much later, Richie awoke in the middle of the night. His throat was dry, so he hopped up from where he was slept on the floor and headed to the kitchen. The others were still sleeping soundly, or he thought at least. He had failed to notice the two missing bodies.

As he ended the hall leading to the kitchen, he paused. Two voices could be heard, speaking lightly in harsh whispers.

“You know I would never judge you. I mean, you know me.”

He recognized the first voice as Beverly. The other voice was much quieter. Richie inched closer to the doorway, his interested piqued. His breath skipped as he heard the other voice, recognizing it instantly.

“Just because you’re a queer doesn’t mean I am too.”

“Come on, Eddie, it’s okay. You’re just sorting out your feelings, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Is it okay, Bevvy? I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Not about him.”

Richie scurried away at that. He was suddenly very aware of how he was not meant to be hearing this conversation. But he paused to wonder, who was this boy that Eddie was talking about? Richie had not even known that Eddie was into boys like that, let alone that he was interested in someone. He racked it over in his mind, thinking of all the boys Eddie was close to.

But suddenly it hit him. Richie knew who the other boy was. It was Bill. That made the most sense.

Richie felt for his friend. Eddie would be heartbroken. Richie knew that Bill was not queer. It had taken far too long to rid himself of his childhood crush on Beverly. Unless Bill was like Beverly was. Bill could like boys and girls. But that made no sense. Eddie made sense though. As Richie looked back he was harshly aware of Eddie’s presence.

Eddie was always more delicate than the others. His voice was shriller. He had never had a real crush on a girl.

Richie’s mind reeled. Something about the situation made him uneasy. He did not think anything was wrong with Eddie. But he was not happy for him either. The thought of Eddie and Bill, in that way, made Richie queasy. He hoped this would not create a problem between them. Richie loved Eddie. He was his best friend. But the thought of Eddie and other boys just made him sick.

Richie swore to himself that he would not think on it too much. Eddie was his best friend and he needed to be there for him. He needed to support him and his choices.

Richie snuck back into the living room, forgetting about his need for water, and tried to urge himself back to sleep.

…

He woke up the next morning to the sound of voices flittering around him. His eyes opened to see he was, unusually, the last awake. Richie never slept in, he was always up early ready to make a ruckus. But this morning he woke up with his pounding and his eyes fighting off sleep.

“Nice of you to join us, Richie,” Stan quipped. The boy was sitting on the couch a few feet away, Mike sitting next to him.

“Rough night?” Mike asked, a playful tone in his voice.

Richie was suddenly aware of how everyone was ready to start the day, already dressed and wide awake. But he was laying on the floor in pajamas with his hair a tangled mess.

“Not rough enough.” He sent a wink in the two’s direction.

Stan scowled. Mike barked a laugh.

Another set of voices filled the room, Bill and Eddie came in through the doorway. Richie shifted. He knew he was staring at them, but he could not stop.

Bill towered over Eddie, more than half a foot of height difference between the two. But Bill always made sure to look down at the boy, always maintaining eye contact. They were laughing about something. Eddie smiled up at Bill as he explained something. Richie watched as Eddie brought a hand up to his mouth to hide a laugh. Richie felt awkward.

He did not want to feel that way. But there was something about the adoring look in Bill’s eyes that set him off.

“You two wanna get a room?” The words left his lips before he could consider them. He sounded more jaded than joking.

All six heads whipped towards his direction. He could see the confused, disapproving look in Beverly’s eyes. He ignored her.

Eddie shifted, before turning back to Bill. “No, we’re fine here, thanks.” Richie could hear the sarcasm drip from Eddie’s words.

Richie decided not to press it. Instead, he pushed himself up and headed toward the kitchen. He failed to hear the feet that tracked behind him. He trudged angrily. He was so ashamed of himself. Richie never wanted to insult Eddie, not for this. But the idea that Eddie liked Bill clouded his judgment. He could not bring himself to be happy for the boy.

Suddenly a whip of red hair appeared in front of him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Richie raised his eyebrows. “T’was just a joke, Bevvy.”

“It was a shitty joke.” She was angry at him. Beverly was never angry with him. “Don’t be such an ass, Rich. Eddie’s going through some stuff.”

“I heard you guys last night,” he said, as if that explained his behavior.

Richie watched as Beverly’s eyes grew wide and her cheeks flushed. She looked like she wanted to talk, but she stayed quiet.

“I know he likes Bill.”

Richie watched as Beverly’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She seemed to be having a whole conversation in her head. Before her face fell, exhaustion overcoming her features. “Bill?”

“Yeah, I know that Eddie likes Bill and I’m sorry, but it makes me sick, really. I don’t want it to, but it does. The idea of Eddie and Bill, together in that way, it makes me sick.”

Beverly’s eyes looked sympathetic almost. “Rich, you’re gonna have to figure this one out yourself.”

She turned on her heel and left him standing in the kitchen.

…

Over the next few days, Richie tried his best to avoid the others. He found himself spending most of his time at the arcade alone. But then he got a phone call reminding him of the plans the seven had made to go to the theater. Richie wanted to cancel or come up with an excuse. But Ben was insistent that he come.

When Richie got to the theater he only saw five of his friends. Apparently, Stan was sick and had to stay home. Richie grumbled at that. Stan could stay home, but Richie couldn’t? He decided to pester Ben about it later.

Mike and Ben were the only ones who met his eye. The other’s seemed peeved about something. Then Richie figured, Beverly probably told them what he thought of Eddie. They were probably never going to speak to him again. The thought was heartbreaking. Richie had no clue what he would do if he Eddie was not there for him. He needed to fix his mistakes.

He needed to get rid of the gnawing feeling he felt when he looked over and saw Bill and Eddie deep in conversation.

The six of them headed into the theater, buying their tickets. Richie noticed Bill offer to pay for Eddie’s, saying that he saved money from a summer job he was working. Richie held back the anger he felt overcome him.

They situated themselves in the very back of the theater. Richie was sat in the middle with Eddie and Bill on one side and Beverly, Ben, and Mike on the other. Being sandwiched between Eddie and Beverly made him uneasy. They both had not spoken a word to Richie since he got there. Usually, he and Eddie would be leaning on each other while they watched. But this time Eddie had his head resting on Bill’s shoulder.

Richie watched from the corner of his eye as Bill wrapped a hand around Eddie’s shoulder, giving him a playful squeeze.

Richie felt his breath hitch. Bill liked Eddie back. The thought never occurred to him, but now as the two boys sat next to one another it was obvious. Richie scolded himself, of course, Bill likes Eddie. It would be hard not to.

Richie decided he needed to apologize to Eddie. The nauseous still weighed on his stomach but he would just have to live with it. Eddie was his friend and he deserved to be happy with Bill. 

…

The movie was now over, and the six friends were headed out of the building rubbing their eyes as they adjusted to the sun. Beverly seemed to be giving Richie a look, urging him to do something.

“Hey you guys, I gotta go. My mom wants me home before dinnertime.”

“I’ll walk you, Eddie,” Bill spoke.

Richie watched the pair, swallowing a lump in his throat. He needed to apologize now, or he never would. “Eddie, wait!”

Eddie’s head whipped around, meeting Richie’s eyes for the first time in days. He waited expectantly for whatever it was Richie would say.

“Can we talk? I’ll make it quick I promise.”

Eddie nodded walking to a bench a few steps away. Richie followed quickly. He felt a happiness wash over him at the thought of speaking to Eddie again. They sat down, Richie noticed the space between them.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve made fun of you like that.”

“No worries, Richie. I was just a little confused. You just disappeared for days. You wouldn’t talk to me.”

Richie examined the boy’s features. He looked sad. “And I’m so sorry for that. But just know that I’m here for you. If you need me. If you need to talk about anything.”

Eddie looked up with a smile, a genuine smile. Richie knew he was rambling, but he stopped the moment Eddie lurched forward pulling him down in a hug. Richie happily wrapped his arms around the boy. He noticed how that bad feeling was gone. In the moment, all Richie wanted was for Eddie to be happy.

Eddie was certainly happy, Richie noticed. Every day since then whenever the seven met up Richie was aware of how close Eddie and Bill were. They would always be laughing about something to themselves. Richie was happy for Eddie. But something was still eating away at him. He started to notice when Eddie would spend time with Bill instead of him. But Richie tried his best not to mind. The two boys liked one another and would eventually become a couple like Ben and Beverly.

Richie thought on that a lot. He wondered what it would be like if the two became a couple. He wondered if the others would be fine with it. Richie only knew about Eddie from overhearing his conversation with Beverly.

…

That changed one day, weeks later. Richie had begun to distance himself from Eddie, giving him space to figure out his feelings for Bill. But now as they were all sat at the Quarry, Richie could see how obvious Eddie’s feelings were. The group had been talking idly for hours but Richie could see how close the two boys sat.

“I need to say something,” Eddie’s voice came out loud and a little strangled.

Richie looked at the boy trying to meet his eye but failing to do so. Richie could sense what Eddie was going to say.

The other’s watched as Eddie continued to speak. Beverly looked on with a smile, it seemed she knew what Eddie was going to say as well.

“This is kinda a lot to take in, I guess. But I need to get it out,” Eddie paused to look over at Beverly, seemingly for reassurance, “I just needed you guys to know. I don’t like girls.”

The group of friends looked around confusedly, missing what it was Eddie was trying to say. But Richie knew.

“I mean, I like boys, instead. I like boys in the say way you all like girls, y’know?”

Richie could see Eddie grow uneasy under all the stare.

“So, you’re, like, a queer?” Stan spoke suddenly, a little confused.

“Well, yeah. I guess you could say that.”

The group broke out in smiles then. Bill reached over pulling Eddie into a hug. “I’m really happy you told us. I’m happy for you, Eddie.”

Richie wanted to give Eddie a hug, too. He wanted to show the boy he was proud of him. But all he could do was give a smile when Eddie looked over, meeting his gaze. Eddie returned the smile, twice as wide. But Eddie went back to giving Bill a crushing hug. So that was settled then, Bill and Eddie were going to be together soon. It was inevitable. That made Richie’s smile drop, just a little.

The conversation continued to flow easily. The group talked amongst themselves, Eddie’s confession fazing none of them. Beverly slinked next to Richie, unnoticed by the other boys.

“So?”

Richie looked over at the girl, the smile on her face nearly startling him. “So, what?”

“What are you thinking? About Eddie, I mean.”

Richie quirked an eyebrow, he could tell the questions had a double meaning of some kind. “What do you mean? I already knew Eddie was queer. Bill knows now so they’re probably going to get together soon.”

Beverly’s face fell. Richie noticed that she did that a lot recently. “What?”

“Bill and Eddie. It’s obvious Beverly, they like each other. Bill likes Eddie back.”

Beverly groaned running her hands through her shoulder-length hair. “Yeah, sure thing, Rich. Whatever you say.”

She got up and walked off, Ben followed shortly after.

Richie could tell there was something he was missing. Beverly seemed to talk to him as if there was something that he did not know. Something, he should have known. He looked around at his friends. Then he realized what it was. He watched as Bill sat with his side pressed to Eddie’s. He noticed the way Eddie leaned in to the other boy when he told a joke. They had not just liked one another.

The two boys had been dating the whole time.

The idea of Bill and Eddie dating bothered Richie far too much for his liking. He just wished they were honest with him. He wondered if Eddie did not trust him enough to tell him. He always figured he would be the one Eddie would come to with these kinds of things. But that was not the case. Richie felt betrayed almost. He knew he was not being fair. But Eddie had not even told Richie first about his feelings for Bill. Eddie trusted Beverly more than him.

…

Richie decided to voice his concerns with Stan. The two had been friends since childhood and the boy knew how to keep a secret.

“I just thought he would tell me first. But he decided to tell us all at once. It just made me feel a little shitty. I dunno. I just wish he had trusted me like that.”

Stan raised an eyebrow but made no comment.

“I just wish he told me first. I thought he trusted me. And now he likes someone, and he won’t even tell me about that either.” Richie made sure to be vague, not wanting to tell something that he had no business telling.

“What do you mean someone?” Stan pressed, his brows fixed in arches on his forehead.

Richie considered his words, something he only did when necessary, “I think he likes someone. I’m pretty sure this person likes him too. They like each other. They might even be dating. But he hasn’t told me about it.” He felt his voice raise.

Stan pinched his nose. Richie scowled. He felt a little awkward, having been uncharacteristically vulnerable to his friend who was making no attempts to understand him.

“Okay, Richie, can you maybe calm down for two seconds? I think you’re a little confused.”

“Confused? There’s nothing to be confused about. Eddie likes Bill and Bill likes him. And now Eddie’s gonna hang out with him all the time instead of me.” Richie’s eyes widened, tears brimming at his eyes, threatening to fall. “I shouldn’t’ve said that. Forget that. All of it.”

Stan placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to portray comfort in the best way he could. “Richie, seriously, I think you’re thinking about this all wrong.”

Richie just shook his fiercely, refusing to listen.

“Richie! Listen to me,” Stan snapped, immediately drawing Richie’s attention, “I’m sorry but you’re being ridiculous.”

Richie felt a tear fall down his cheek, he was unsure if it was from anger or sadness. “What the hell, Stanley? Sorry for admitting I miss my best friend! It’s unfair! Bill’s got his attention all the time. He couldn’t care less about me.”

“Richie, no. It’s something else. Something you don’t wanna admit.”

“Shut the fuck up, Stan,” the softness of his voice contrasted the words. He knew where this was going, he heard it from Beverly countless times. He would rather not hear it from Stan too.

“You like him.”

Richie felt the remaining tears fall. He thrashed his arms violently, trying to wipe away at his cheeks.

“You like Eddie, Richie. I know you do.”

…

Richie woke up the next morning, his head throbbing. He looked at his surroundings seeing that he had fallen asleep on Stan’s floor, with a blanket thrown across him. The conversation of the night replayed in his head. He remembers tears, lots of them, falling as he tried to refuse Stan’s words. He tried to explain that he was not like that, he was not like Eddie. But Stan refused.

Stan told him all of it. Stan was so sure of what he was saying. It made Richie want to throw up. Stan recounted the looks Richie and Eddie always shared. Since that one summer. The summer none of them remember and what they do remember they refuse to talk about. The summer Eddie broke his arm.

Richie stood up seeing a ripped piece of paper on Stan’s otherwise perfectly organized desk. It read: ‘Went to the store with my mom. Don’t forget we’re meeting up with the others at 2.’

Richie groaned at the thought of it. He did not want to see them. He had not wanted to face the truth of Stan’s words. It would be too painful. Seeing Eddie would be painful, even more so now that he understood what he was feeling. Even though he refused to vocalize his feelings, to Stan or anyone else.

Richie forced himself off the ground, checking the time. It was one o’clock. Richie had been sleeping in a lot lately. But it was never this bad. It must have been near morning by the time he drifted off to sleep the night before.

He tried to rationalize not going. But he knew he had to. If he ignored the Loser’s today, he might make a habit of it and just never speak to them again. That would have been easiest, he thought. But he was reminded of the last time he went days without speaking to them. He remembered the look on Eddie’s face when he started speaking to him again.

Richie knew that he could not do that to Eddie. Eddie was his best friend. He would just have to get over his feelings and be there for him.

…

The group had planned to meet at Ben’s house. Richie was the last to get there, when he entered the house he was greeted with friendly smiles and waves. Stan’s smile was a sadder though. Richie did his best to ignore his pitiful stare, walking in and joining Ben and Beverly on the couch.

At first, he participated happily in their conversation. A few jokes here and there that earned him a ‘beep, beep, Richie.’ But as time passed he started to feel outside of the conversation. He felt as though Ben and Beverly were having more fun with each other than they were with him.

“Bevvy? Smoke break?” Richie spoke suddenly pulling a cart of cigarettes out his back pocket.

Beverly turned, a little confused at the softness in his voice, but agreed nonetheless.

Richie gladly followed her outside. He had not had any one-on-one conversations with her in a few days and he missed her.

“So, did you need to talk about something?” Her gaze was searching, and it made Richie bounce on his feet.

“Nothing in particular, senorita. Simply wanted to see my favorite gal,” Richie slipped in and out of different Voices awkwardly. He was aware of the shakiness in his voice, but he hoped Beverly would not notice.

“Don’t lie to me. You’re a bad liar. Is this about Eddie?”

Richie’s gaze dropped, seemingly more invested in the grass under his feet than he was with their current conversation.

“Y’know you can talk to me, Rich? About, anything.”

Richie let out a shaky breath, the girl always did have such a welcoming voice. A voice that would be easy to spill secrets to. He debated his words. But forced them out, “Stan says I like Eddie.”

Beverly nodded knowing that the boy had more to say, he just needed encouragement.

“Stan says I like Eddie,” he repeated, “And I think he’s right.”

“So, you listen to Stan and not me?” There was no shock or wonder in her voice, just playful sarcasm.

Richie nodded, his voice remained serious and flat, “Stan’s known me and Eddie so long. He says he can see the way I look at him. He says I must like him and that he likes me too. But that doesn’t make sense. Why would Eddie like me? Eddie likes Bill. Bill’s awesome and nice-”

Beverly grabbed the boy’s chin forcing him to look at her. Richie watched as she studied his features, looking for something. Richie was just confused. Suddenly she was pulling him into a hug and petting his hair. “You’re a good guy, Rich. And if anyone knows it, it’s Eddie.”

Richie leaned into the touch, not wanting to let go. But he did not want to talk either and Beverly had not forced him to.

When the two returned inside Richie felt more at ease. He still had not spoken much to Eddie though. The idea of talking to him was just too painful. Eddie seemed invested in Bill for the time being, anyway. The day drew on and Ben offered to allow the Losers to sleepover. Richie begrudgingly agreed. He did not know if he could take sleeping in the same room as Bill and Eddie, but he could not back out. It was getting late. Hopefully he could just go to sleep and have nothing to worry about.

But it was nearly midnight and all Richie could focus on was Eddie who was laying across the couch. His body shuffled every few minutes, Richie recognized it as a nightmare. Eddie used to have those a lot and Richie would sneak in through his bedroom window to comfort him. Richie never understood what drew him to the smaller boy. But now he did. He knew too well why he cared about the boy so much.

He had feelings for him. Feelings that he refused to confront then and was still struggling to confront now.

Richie could not take it anymore. The sight was heartbreaking, seeing Eddie’s furrowed brow and the way he was shaking in his sleep.

Richie stood from where he was laying, slipped on his glasses, and crept over toward the couch, dodging sleeping bodies as he did. He reached over shaking the boy from his dream. Suddenly Eddie was sitting up with a heave.

“Richie?” Eddie’s voice was strained and barely a whisper.

Richie reached over pulling the boy into a hug, rubbing soothing circles into his back. A snore rippled through the room and Richie was suddenly aware of the sleeping Bill a few feet away.

Richie leaned back, aware of how close they were. Eddie was still shaken up and Richie wanted so bad to comfort him. But that was unfair to them both.

“This reminds me of when we were kids,” Eddie giggled. Richie hated how much he loved the sound.

Richie nodded. “Bad dream, Spaghetti?”

Richie watched the boy flush at the nickname and bit at his lip. Richie never paid any mind to Eddie’s lips before. But they were so close to his own. It made his heart hurt.

Eddie leaned in closer. He had never been this close to the other boy, not like this. Richie watched as Eddie’s eyes fluttered shut and his lips puckered. Richie thought he might combust. His brain was failing to process what exactly was happening. At least until Eddie nearly closed the distance between them. But Richie jolted up, jumping as far away from the boy as possible.

“What the fuck, Eddie?” The words came out in harsh whispers.

Richie looked around at the sleeping friends surrounding them, namely Bill.

Eddie looked down sheepishly, tears prickling his eyes. “I’m sorry. I think I misinterpreted the situation or something. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I didn’t mean to.” He struggled over the words, reminiscent of Stuttering Bill’s voice years ago.

Richie wanted to comfort the boy, more than anything. But this was not right, it was not fair to Bill. “Why would you do that?”

His words were sharp and stinging.

“I’m so sorry. I thought that’s what you wanted. What we both wanted.”

The problem was Richie did want it, but not like this. “Well, you thought wrong.” Richie had never seen the other boy look so sad. But he could not handle this right now. “I’m leaving.”

Richie turned on his heel, walking out the door, not meeting Eddie’s gaze once.

Richie stormed out of the house, as quietly as he could manage as to not wake anyone. His mind immediately went back to the look on Eddie’s face just seconds ago. But he would not let him think about that. He needed to go somewhere. But it was the middle of the night meaning that it was dark, and he had to rely on his spatial awareness to get home.

He walked around town for what felt like hours. He was not even sure if he was headed home anymore, the comfort of the empty town was too inviting. He let his mind wander to the boy. The boy that he almost kissed and then ran away from.

It was a lot to process. He had never seen another boy that way. He had never wanted to kiss another boy. But he wanted to kiss Eddie. He wanted to kiss him and not worry about the repercussions. The thought whirled in his head. Bill was good for Eddie. Bill was good and kind and smart. They made each other happy.

When Richie returned home he made the decision to leave Eddie alone. He could not keep hurting the boy or himself. Richie needed to get over his feelings and the best way to do that was by accepting that letting the boy be.

…

Days past. Days that were long and excruciating, where Richie had to force himself out of bed in the morning. The phone rang a lot, but he refused to answer. He knew that it would be one of the Losers wondering where he was. But he could not face them, he did not want to explain himself to anyone.

It was the seventh day since Richie had last seen Eddie, a whole week when Richie heard a knock on his bedroom door. It certainly was not one of his parents, they never knock. It had to be one of his friends.

“Go away!” He refused to open the door afraid of who might be on the other side.

Suddenly the door was pushed open. Richie was regretful that he forgot to lock his door that morning,

“And who exactly do you think you’re talkin’ to?” Beverly was standing in the doorway, arms crossed, and an eyebrow raised.

Her presence was so dominating that Richie almost failed to see Ben trailing behind her. “Bev, I’m not in the mood. Please leave me alone,” Richie groaned as he threw his blanket over his face.

It only took seconds for his blanket to be ripped away from him. “No, Richie. We need to talk.”

Richie brought a hand up to shield himself from the light pouring through his window.

“You haven’t talked to any of us in days? What happened?” Richie looked at Ben, silently pleading him to make the girl stop badgering him. But Ben simply shrugged his shoulders as Beverly continued, “Eddie’s been a total wreck since you’ve been ignoring him. Now, tell me, what happened?”

Richie perked up at the name. “I tried to kiss him, or he tried to kiss me. I dunno.”

“You kissed him? Rich, that’s awesome.”

“No, tried to. And besides Bill was right there. It was a mistake.”

Ben made a funny face at his girlfriend, but she just pressed on, “well whatever it was. You need to talk to Eddie.”

“How am I supposed to tell him I like him? Huh? How do I say that I’ve liked him since we were kids and it’s driving me crazy?”

Richie cried again. He never really felt that way for anyone until he realized how he felt for Eddie. It was messy and hard to understand but Richie had been feeling it for a long time. Beverly and Ben rushed to him, comforting him as he cried. Richie eventually agreed. He agreed to talk to Eddie. Face to face.

The idea of confronting his feelings was terrifying. He was unsure if he could do it or not. But he had to try. He could not risk losing Eddie, especially now that he knew the boy was sad in his absence.

…

It was only a couple days later when Richie called Eddie on the phone asking him to meet at the Quarry without much explanation. The moment Eddie agreed Richie hung up. He could feel his heart pounding in his ears.

He was out the house in minutes, hoping to beat Eddie there. But when he got there, panting and sweating from running so fast, he saw Eddie sat on the ground. Richie went over his words in his head, he would promise to get over his feelings so the two could be friends again. If they could not be together, being friends was more than enough.

Richie let his breath calm before walking toward the boy. But the moment Eddie looked up and met his gaze and Richie saw how glassy the boy’s eyes were, all his breath left him. He wanted to be there for Eddie, to comfort and hold him, like he used to. But that would just hurt him in the long run. He needed to give Eddie his space. He needed to let Eddie be happy with Bill.

Richie joined the boy, sitting a safe distance away.

They sat in silence. Neither of them knew what to say. The words Richie had planned on saying were a blur, all he could focus on was the way the boy next to him took weak shallow breaths.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed you, well, liked boys. Like that. It wasn’t fair of me.”

Richie was grateful that Eddie spoke first. But the words that came were unanticipated. He was expected Eddie to yell at him, to say he did not like Richie like that. “Huh?”

“I shouldn’t have assumed you were like me.”

Richie allowed the words to process. His eyes were locked on the ground in front of him, twiddling a pebble between his fingers. “I think I am, like you, I mean. I think I like boys.”

Eddie’s face seemed to flow from confusion to happiness then, ultimately, disappointment. “Oh, so you just don’t like me. Like that.”

Richie did not understand why Eddie was saying these things, it made pushing him away even harder. “Eds, of course, I like you like that, that’s not the problem.”

“Then what’s the problem, if I like you and you like me. What’s the problem?”

“I just didn’t wanna go behind Bill’s back. Didn’t wanna take you from him.”

“Huh?”

“I mean he was laying right there, Eds. You can’t just go kissing other boys behind your boyfriend’s back.”

“Boyfriend? Who said Bill was my boyfriend?”

Richie felt his breath falter. The bewildered look on Eddie’s face was taunting him nearly. The past few weeks had been hell for him and he was wrong the whole time. He thought back on how Beverly and Stan reacted when he mentioned Eddie’s feelings for him. The looks they gave were because Eddie never had feelings for Bill. All the things Beverly said were way too easy to understand now. “Oh,” for once Richie was lost for words.

“I mean seriously? He’s like a big brother to me. Why would you even think that?”

Before Eddie could finish Richie reached toward the other grabbing the front of his shirt, pulling him close. Richie was leaning forward without a second thought and their lips met. It was too harsh, the first kiss for the pair and it was in no way perfect. But it made sense. It made so much sense.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhh, so this was mostly just for fun. Richie is an interesting perspective to try to write from. (Hopefully his internalized homophobia translates well, its kinda strange writing that experience.)  
> Anyways feel free to tell me what you liked! Or what you didn't like! <3


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